Calamari: A Visit From Regina
by Crysania
Summary: An Anon asked "Does Stan ever like to mess with visitors to the dark castle? I can imagine he probably wouldn't be a fan of Regina…" Which launched a silly idea for a fic. Takes place post-A Very Stanley Christmas


She's barged into his castle yet again. She does this. It's annoying. But it seems he can't stop her. Or maybe he doesn't want to. Because he _needs_ her and turning her away might just turn her away from what he needs her to do. So no, Rumplestiltskin always deals with Regina when she waltzes into his castle.

Lucky for her she didn't walk in the time Stan was chasing him around the Great Hall with the water balloons Belle had helped him create. Or the time that he had to rescue his maid from the damned thing's tank. Stan means well. He does. And Belle loves him. Which is not the reason why he allows the ridiculous creature to stay. Not at all.

"I have a deal for you," Regina says. She glances down at the tea set, the two cups and looks back up at him, one eyebrow raised. "This can't be for me, now can it Rumple?" The words are said on a pout and he almost rolls his eyes.

Almost.

"Of course not," he snaps and finally leaves the safety of his wheel to properly deal with her. With a wave of his hand the tea set, the chipped cup, it's all sent back into the kitchen. He hopes Belle will see it there and know he doesn't need to be disturbed. That she _shouldn't_ disturb him. Regina was dangerous and if he knew he even had a maid, much less one that…well…he wouldn't go there. Who knows what she would do?

The tea set is replaced with the metal one, one that is not worthy of Belle. Regina raises her eyebrow again and makes herself a cup. She doesn't touch it afterward though. She never does. She pretends that she is here for company as much as the formality of making a deal, but he knows otherwise.

"What do you want, Regina?" he finally snaps at her.

"I need to make a deal," she repeats. "About a certain mermaid…" She lets her voice trail off and he's about to tell her to get to the damned point when he sees a tentacle snaking toward her. For a moment, just one moment, he's torn between telling her to turn around and waiting to see her reaction.

The latter, of course, is much more fun. So he gives Regina a feral smile and just waits. One of Stan's tentacles flops over her shoulders and Regina whirls around with a small squeak of surprise.

"I know a mermaid!" Stan says in that loud booming voice of his and Regina skitters back a bit.

"What the…" She turns on Rumplestiltskin then and there's a fire to her eyes.

"So you haven't met Stan then?" Rumplestiltskin says conversationally, reaching down to pick up his teacup and take a sip.

"Stan?"

"I'm Stan!" Stan shouts and accidentally hits Regina in the head with one of his tentacles.

She holds up a hand to her head, pulls it away with a loud smacking noise as the goo from his tentacle is released and bounces back into her hair. "Oh _Gods_," she mutters. "Just what the hell have you done, Rumple?"

"He's Stan," he says simply.

"He's an _octopus_," she points out.

"He is indeed."

"Why do you have this _creature_ in here?" She's trying to fix her perfectly coiffed hair but it's hopeless. It's covered in some sort of slimy goo and completely askew.

"I won him in a deal."

"I'm his friend!" Stan shouts at the same time.

"Oh gosh, you have a _friend_ now do you Rumple?" He cringes at the sound of her voice, condescending and amused at the same time. "I guess it's good that you have at least _one_ friend. Even if it's this slimy creature."

Stan waves his tentacles around and Regina sidesteps him neatly. He's surprised she has so much grace in the gigantic high heels she seems to prefer. How she moves in those outfits is beyond him, but knowing Regina there _was_ some sort of magic involved there. Especially with those…well…better not think of _those_ things anyway. It'll turn his stomach for weeks.

"I'm not his only friend!" Stan shouts and he sounds almost offended at that thought.

"Really now Rumple," Regina says as she glances from the octopus to him. "I really don't want to imagine what you do with that suit of armor when you're all alone in this dusty castle."

He hears Stan take a breath. He knows what he's going to say. He meets the octopus's gigantic eye and makes a quick sweeping motion with his hand.

But this is Stan.

And Stan does not listen.

He's fairly certain he's defiant about it too. He _defiantly_ does not listen.

"He has Belle!" the ridiculous creature shouts and Rumplestiltskin snarls.

"And what, pray tell, is this _bell_?"

"No one," Rumplestiltskin answers quickly. She's no one. Just the clumsy and ridiculous caretaker who he has taken on and who recently he might have kissed and he wasn't even sure where _that_ was going.

"No…_one_?" And he realizes Regina didn't realize Stan meant _Belle_ but _a bell_ and he almost smacks his forehead.

The annoying creature was going to be the death of him.

That is, if he _could_ die. But if anyone could figure out how to end an immortal being, he was pretty sure it was Stan.

"Did I hear my name?"

Rumplestiltskin groans. It literally could _not_ get worse at that moment. He's ready to magic Regina right out of his castle. Or maybe just magic himself up to his tower and let the three of them hash it out. Maybe Stan will strangle Regina. He'll lose the woman who he is going to have cast his curse, but at least he'll regain _some_ of his dignity.

"Belle!" Stan shouts and one of his tentacles hits Regina, this time square in the middle of her back and the woman stumbles hard into the table.

"Oh, ma'am, are you alright?" Belle rushes forward. Of course she does. She has no idea who Regina is or what she's capable of. There's a slight blush upon her cheeks as she helps right the other woman and glances at Rumplestiltskin and damnit all if she doesn't look gloriously tiny and beautiful standing there next to Regina's darkness.

"Get your hands off me," Regina snarls at her and pushes away. He watches as Belle's eyebrows raise and he knows…he _knows_…if she won't take anything from the Dark One she's not about to allow some little Queen to boss her around.

"How dare you!" Belle says and Rumplestiltskin is suddenly in motion, stepping between the two women.

"Belle, dearie, won't you see about getting us a spot of tea?" He tries to modulate his voice into some sort of normal, but he's quite sure that Belle sees right through him. Regina probably does too.

"Tea, is it?" Belle asks.

"Well, you _are_ the maid, dearie." And he cannot stop the nervous titter that follows that statement.

"Am I?" She asks and he watches Regina as she looks between the two of them, a look of understanding dawning.

No…no understanding. Even _he_ doesn't understand. "Yes," he snaps at her and Belle backs up a pace, her eyes flitting to Regina.

"I caught them kissing yesterday!" Stan announces. Belle turns red. Rumplestiltskin whirls on the octopus.

"My, my," Regina says and there's a dark sort of laughter there behind her voice. "I didn't know you had it in you, Rumple."

"Lies," he hisses but he knows that the truth is written all over the redness of Belle's face. And Regina is not stupid, though he often wishes she were.

"I don't lie!" Stan shouts and he wants to blast the octopus into teeny tiny little pieces.

Belle bursts out laughing and Regina just sets down her teacup and continues to smirk at him, eyes wide.

"This is ridiculous," Rumplestiltskin finally mutters. "_You_," he says, pointing at Stan. "Shut up and get back in your tank." He waves a hand and Stan disappears.

"_You_," he says, rounding on Belle. "Stop laughing." He starts to wave his hand to banish her to _somewhere_, but she crosses her arms over her chest and gives him _that look_ and damned if she isn't going to be the death of him already. He lets out a noise of impatience and turns to Regina.

"And _you_." Here his voice turns to a snarl. "I am not dealing today. Be gone!" His waved hand opens the door behind her. He'll physically shove her out if he has to.

"It's not _my_ fault that ridiculous creature sold you out, Rumple." She gives him a devious look. "Want me to turn him into calamari for you? Nice dinner for two…"

"That's _squid_," both Rumplestiltskin and Belle shout at the same time.

And with one more hand wave Regina is gone from the room. He can almost hear her angry rants just outside the castle doors. But she won't get in this day.

He glances back at Belle. "Tea?"

"Of course." And with a smirk, she flits from the room. As soon as she's in the kitchen, he hears her burst into laughter again and shakes his head.

He idly wonders if Regina could ever be tricked into taking a forgetting potion. Belle and her ridiculous octopus pet will cause irreparable harm to his reputation. How can the Dark One be taken seriously when he's smitten with his maid and keeps a ridiculous octopus for a pet? Ruined. Absolutely ruined. The fearsome Dark One will be the laughingstock of the entire Enchanted Forest.

And sometimes, deep inside, holed up in the darkness that is his heart, he finds he simply does not care.


End file.
